Dake and Jave ...

Mr S INVARIABLY says this, completely unaware, each time he intends to discuss the illustrious careers of mr. roth and mr. molina. It made me laugh at first, but in an odd sort of way, it makes me think that something's sort of working. I mean, sure, they were there first, and sure, they're joined at the hip and dave assaulted jake's class with thirty irate math students demanding the return of their calculators and sure, they take crazy trips together, but could it be ... that something's there that wasn't there before?

Talked to Dave about this a lot when he took me to jackson (or, he talked about it a lot, or, whatever), but the idea was that instead of thinking of us, teacher corps, as people who come in for two years and leave, what he and jake are trying to do is to make a group that comes in and consistently brings energy and new ideas and hard workers to the staff, so that we WON'T be seen as the individuals who "leave" but as a group of people who are around to stay. So the more interchangeable we are, the better, sort of ...
anyway, so I think it's a cool idea and I want to get in on it. I'm busy as hell, but I WANT to start tutoring at elementary schools with Jake's kids, I WANT to start doing remediation with mine after school (god knows they need it), I'm kind of looking foward to meeting their parents, and I'm definitely planning on joining the ranks of "teachers that kids complain about for giving a lot of work" at Jim Hill.

And I'm not there yet, and I won't be for a while, and I know that, and that sucks, and I hate that for my kids because THEY'RE getting cheated beacuse I'M taking weeks and months of their time to figure out what I'm doing and that sucks. that sucks for both of us, but if i don't keep trying, and if i don't go in every day and face the music, and the idiotic administrative requirements, and the kids for crying out loud then i'll NEVER learn, and if I don't learn then I'll never be any good to them and this is where it starts. And everybody didn't start here, but everybody started somewhere, and if I want to be part of the movement, if I want to get in on all the good, amazing, inspiring things that are going on at this school then I have to start somewhere too. And that's all there is to it.

Starting here, starting now, and starting every morning when I look at the split and decide NOT to take I-20 East to Birmingham on my way to school ... and giving it the old college try.

Volatility,

I think, is the name of this game.

cried tonight

for the first time in a while.

i can't play this game any more.

I'm not good at it.

and mr. x from school wants to do coffee and creepy janitor guy is still trying to give me back rubs.

Woman Seeking: Someone who actually gives a d***.

blastoff.

School started yesterday, and my kids are amazing and sweet and well-behaved, as kids are wont to be for the first few days of school, but today was so hard. I was okay, I was all right, I was tired and nervous about the planning that I need to do for tomorrow, that still hasn't gotten done, but I was okay. I stayed in my room for a few hours after school then drove just down the road to taco bell for a pick-me-up before (hopefully) visiting matt (who's in clinton for a few more days before going back to oxford for school). A family of 6 came in, mom, dad and four kids, and oh dear you know you're in the SOUTH when, in the biggest city in the state, you're rejected from an available apartment because they don't permit co-habitation and the fast-food places can't put up "no shirt, no shoes, no service" signs for fear of losing business. So I'm at this taco bell, eating alone, and the family walks in, and the whole time the two parents are yelling at the four children, and the parents don't seem to care for one another at all, and you hear all the time, children in working class families only hear x many words a day, and of those words, well ... most of them are negative. I've seen the numbers on this ... recently ... and suddenly I couldn't get it off my mind. This is who I'm teaching, and this is how they have lived their lives and every teaching rule that I've learned is being broken here and it never lets up. This is the mother saying "now i know i'm going to get a discount or something, i was in that drive-through line for twenty minutes" (what else is there to get, if not a discount?), this is the father with gold-capped teeth in front telling her to let it go, this is the 6-year old boy with three little sisters saying "I'm gonna hit you. Hey let's all hit her. Let's beat her down" and then playing ever-so-gently that he's "beating down" his little sister ... next sister's turn. This is the child who has been told all her life to sit still, never been made to do it, and heard 15 times a day "if you don't stop that I'll ..." fill in the blank. Knock your head off your shoulders. Likely story. This is the little girl who cries when her daddy makes her sit still then wants to sit in his lap to make her feel better. these are the children who, when their parents turn around, don't sit still anyway and get away with it. empty threats. and these are my children.

at the end of this meal, a man who's been sitting near the entrance asks me for two quarters. I don't have any cash, I tell him so, I get in my car and wonder what they all think of me, the preppy white girl with plenty of money who doesn't know what their lives are like and doesn't care and see the change in my cupholder. I walk back in and give the man two quarters and want to cry. because this is somebody's life.

Mind numb, I drive around and stop at stores and gas stations, can't go back to the school, can't get anything done, till grappling class at seven.

back at the apartment, I smell like five guys' sweat and haven't typed a word of lesson plans. when the mind has reached its limits, punish the body.

These are my children.

And so it begins

"So the students arrive in T-minus two days and counting."

With this abundantly reassuring observation one of my three assigned mentor teahcers soothed me on our way to staff lunch at Picadilly cafeteria on Friday. T-minus two days.
And counting.

No students means no discipline problems, no names to recall on command, no irate parents, no papers to grade, no duty schedule, no detention, but somehow I feel like today was my first day as a teacher, as in THIS is what I'm going to be doing for the next six months (give or take) and THIS is, likely, how busy those six months will be.

Saturday Schedule:
6:31 AM -- Alarm goes off. Already awake and typing up an info sheet for the first day of school (stolen in large part from Mr. Sweeney)
7:20 AM -- stop typing up info sheet, get ready
7:50 AM -- waste fifteen minutes realizing once again that I REALLY NEED to buy some "teacher clothes"
8:40 AM -- arrive at my school only to realize that the orientation that was scheduled for nine actually began at 8:30 so I've already missed introductions
9:15 AM -- walk students around the school, shuttle messages back and forth between teachers, meet and greet, and finally get back to the apartment. change.
11AM-2:30 PM -- teacher resource center checking out cute templates+figuring out how to get my info on them, finding the color printer, laminator, and cutout machines, and slowly realizing how much more I will always need to get done
3:15 PM -- back at the school, where apporximately the first 22 people I run into explain to me that I have a visitor. Ms. Adobe's come to call, and to help me out, and that's pretty awesome.
3:30-8PM -- eat, work in the classroom on cleaning, bulletin boards, copying, getting rid of what I can, attempting to organize what I can't, and coming to accpet that I won't get it all done. Not before monday. Ms. Adobe is an invaluable asset.
School is locked at 8 PM , the mall closes at 9, and I need teacher clothes.
8:05PM - Accompanied by Ms. Adobe, who unfortunately has a less-than-stellar fashion sense (note my colleagues -- feel free to place the blame where it is due if my wardrobe is lacking in any way) I take the Sears women's department by storm, convincing a disgruntled cashier to check me out just after closing. Paychecks come on the 31st ...
9:30 PM -- to Wal Mart to get school supplies to distribute at cost to students. The next 2 hrs begin to degenerate, but we make it out alive and in good spirits with food, supplies, and even some teachers shoes. FORGET to use my teacher discount. Paychecks come on the 31st ...
12:30 AM -- turn on the gas stove, eat frozen pizza on the living floor (hardwood), then fall asleep on it around 1 AM in the midst of making lists of things I'm going to get done tonight before I get to bed.
2:30 AM -- relocate to the bed
5:50 AM -- wake up wishing to heaven I hadn't wasted so much time asleep. blog, and get back to work. School opens at ten.